Sunday, October 26, 2008

Nervous and Can't Stand It

Why I am so nervous?

Tomorrow is Monday, a work day. The day my supervisor said we should talk about what I did on Friday. (Trying to rest in class and not being "adult" enough to say "No" and go home.)

Hypothetical situation tomorrow at the meeting:

Big Boss: Why did you do that? What made you think you can write a message on the board saying, do you work and then you can play? Why do you think it was okay to put your head down and rest in class and have the kids play around?

(Yes this is true. I wrote a message on the board saying I was sick, do your work and then you can play. Honestly, I didn't know what to do. Yes, I put my head down. I could hardly keep it up. So when my supervisor saw this walking by the classroom, it is no wonder why she got mad)

Me: On Friday, I was too sick to make any kind of good judgment or have the ability to be strong enough to say No. I tried to ask to go home, but Jay told me "No." She said that everyone is sick and isn't fair that I go home. That we all have to work...it is a small office and no one can cover me.

I would have tried harder to say "No" but I found Jay too intimidating, and I understand her situation that she couldn't cover me because she had evaluate the new Korean teacher. So I couldn't say "No"

Instead I said I would work but don't expect the best teaching job.

Jay: You could have tried to say "No", but you just cried in front of me and became angry. I don't understand you. I was just doing my job, I had no choice but to say you couldn't go home.

(Yes I cried because I was so shaken by my situation, I knew I needed to be in a bed, but the odds were against me. But when I started to cry she immediately said "Don't Cry." She has a lot of spite towards me)

Me: I know and I understand, that is why I had a hard time being strong enough to say No. We already have a bad relationship and I didn't expect that if I fought to go home you would have allowed it, so really I had no hope.

Big boss: Ok, well it would have been better if you were a big person and said I have to go home. But still your actions in the classroom are unbelievable. You keep forgetting that a child could complain and make a mother upset. .....blah blah

Me: Yes I know now that my actions weren't in the best interest of the school. But it is like I said I was not able to make the best decisions that day.

After I decided to stay, I took my medicine and rested. But all I could think about was how I was going to get through the day. My mind hurt so much and it hurt to talk, so I didn't know how I was going to teach. So I decided that for the first class I would write a message on the board and try to take a rest. So that by the next class I would have more strength to teach and hopefully the medicine would have kicked in.

Big Boss: Still what you did was wrong gave a poor impression to the children.

Me: All I can say that I was incapable of making the right decisions, all I could think about was my survival and how I was going to get through the day.

Big Boss: Well, blah blah blah

*And hopefully she won't say something like:
"I see is that you are really not cut out to be a teacher and I am not going to give you any release documents, because I think it is in your best interest to go back to your country and work there."

But I told my recruiter this dilemma and she seems to think that it will be ok. Also I told Bo Kwan and he thinks it will be ok.

Maybe they just want to talk about it and get their final say in all the crap I caused at their school. Also I might imagine that they will deduct pay from this fiasco, which I don't really care about.

I really just want to get through it because, in the end it will be a situation where they won't really hear what I have to say. Instead their goal will be to chew me out and make their case that I am worthless.

I know I am a good teacher. I chose a hagwon that is small and managed with fear tactics. I have one week left before I pack up and leave. I am still going to teach and get it all done right.

*So my warning:*
If ya wanna work at a hagwon check the size of it. Number of teachers and students, because the smaller the numbers means you can't have someone cover for you.

5 comments:

  1. I wish I could do something to help the nervous feeling. There's nothing to be done, really, but it sucks, and I'm rooting for you.

    I agree 100% that it is not wise to work at any hagwon with fewer than 3 western teachers working at it. I've told as much to every person who's e-mailed me asking about teaching in Korea.

    Hang in there, Joy. Be ready to push back, along the "you're already letting me go, and I've already explained myself to you. . . why are you trying to make me feel terrible?" kind of way.

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  2. It is a win / lose situation.

    They Win.
    I lose.

    But secretly I win because I am escaping their management style.

    But ya know every month they had a reason to talk to me, so I am kind of use to this nervous thing.

    Thanks Roboseyo!

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  3. This sort of bs is totally unacceptable on their side. Get your walking papers and tell 'em where to shove it. You've only got a bit of time left, so smile and nod until you're out the door. As soon as you are, moon 'em^^ Good luck!

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  4. Think about it this way, it's probably your last "formal" meeting with them. Just nod your head , yes master, yes master.. make them happy to give you the release document and then go on your merry way. If you argue or try to defend your actions it's just going to start a big uproar, they're going to be petty and you're going to get upset. Like gomushin girl said, just smile and think 5 days left, 4 days, 3, 2, 1 and then run! =) No matter what you say it's going to be wrong in their eyes so no matter what they say tomorrow don't take it personally, it's their management style and their character flaws to treat someone so ill so badly. hang in there, a few, very few, more days!! cyn

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  5. Thanks Cyn!

    Now to just turn off the pre arguing in my head so I don't sound nasty when I go to work. I think I can do it!

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