Today I am writing this post but if things go grammatically wrong do forgive me. Work has been culminating into a pool of half good and half bad. The good half are the groups of children that function in the classrooom, and the bad half are the groups of children that are dysfunctional in the classroom. What has ended up happening is that the bad half drains the life out of me and makes me wish I wasn't a teacher.
The good half, on the other hand makes me feel warm inside when a toothless-girl smiles at me and we giggle together. This half makes me believe that I can transform the subject of "Math" and turn it into "Math English." I feel hopeful and full of life!
Yet when I get dragged down by the bad half I wonder what can I do? How can I manage them? How can I make it so that they are so engaged they won't end up being bad. Then I think how futile it is when one kid in the class has some kind of disorder and ends up being a nuisance. Like an infection his "wildness" spreads and distracts me and everyone. Trying to discipline the kid doesn't work well since he doesn't understand me or is just playing a game.
The bad half reminds me that the First grade in general is showing signs of many problems. It makes me wonder why communication is so poor. Makes me wish the Korean homeroom teachers took more action to help us or at least suggest things we could do. I end up feeling resentment and anger towards people I want to respect and have a good relationship with.
Today I am the middle of this whirlpool of self-pity and it feels like I can't get out of it. As much as I say to myself what I will do next time, I know there will always be these challenges. I don't want to care and think too much about it.
These are the challenges that my new job has presented me. Yes, I can say with all honesty that I would rather be here at this school than at my previous jobs (public school). I cling to the hope that I will get use to these situations and know how to handle them better.
I don't know how to end this post. "Finisheee"