The Last Night in Korea

Today I went to my school to pay my housing bills and as I waited for my supervisor in the office the Vice President started to talk to me. No worries, she is a sweet older woman who has complimented me in the past. She wanted to know when I was leaving, and when I told her, "tomorrow" she was astonished. She even asked if that was next week's tomorrow. She knew I had been in Korea five years and asked me if I had a boyfriend or was married. All questions that receive a "no" answer. But I reassured her I was fine and was heading back home to be a student to learn more about teaching.

We did hug goodbye.

I'm sitting here with three bags packed to the brim and can't believe it's my last night in Korea. Five years ago I came here with wide eyes and an open heart. I experienced so much, went through so many tribulations and made amazing memories. Now it's ending minute by minute and the hardest part is knowing I will be far away from it all.

I bought a mini pack of tissues today because I have a feeling once I settle in on the plane and wait for tack off, the tears might start streaming. Even though I am going through all this alone I know I'm strong enough to get to the other side. And I'm not entirely alone with family and friends supporting me. I also have Tom!

I really can't say much more. Everything I experienced here from start to finish has impacted me so deeply. So I'm going to leave you with this video I made before I left for Korea. You can see all the innocence, naivety and bravery in myself. It's kind of the same how I feel now facing a new life in America.

Thank you.

If these shoes could talk...

Those are a pair of shoes that I have worn every since I came to Korea. They have been my work shoes, because you change your shoes when you go to work here. I always said to myself I would get a different pair but I never bothered. They have seen me through 1 hagwon, 2 public schools and this last one. These shoes have taken me through a lot of drama and hard times, but also through fun experiences as well. I'm not going to take them back with me, so I suppose they can live here in Korea.

I just finished my last classes and I feel good. I thought maybe I would feel really sad, but I'm all together okay. (I'm thinking it will all hit me when I strap in for my plane ride). The students seem surprised and pleased with the gift card and nice candy I gave them. They really enjoyed the video and were amazed I made it. I left them the title of the video so they can search for it, and also gave out my email.

I know I will miss these students. The hardest thing is not going to be here to see them grow up, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

The following are pictures of student homework. For their last assignment I had them write a sentence about their favorite subject they learned in Math, then draw a picture of their favorite experience. Some of the results were really amusing and I liked the fact that they were varied. It showed I gave them a range of experiences. It was also fun to see their hand drawn renditions of me...so take a look!

I'll start with ones that are renditions of myself. Sorry for the cropping on this one but I'm in the bottom left. I've got those wild eyed teacher eyes.

Here I am depicted in threes for some reason. For the most part I'm distinguishable because of my curly hair, which was rendered with quite a lot of curliness. As for what the kid is depicting it was a weighing demonstration I did with them. I had a spring scale where you attach something to the hook at the bottom and it pulls down to show how many grams, many of them got a kick out of this.

I like the nose I was given in this one:

 A lot of them liked the "potion" activity which was done last week. It was an activity I devised for measuring using milliliters. However, I couldn't find a water dropper for the life of me in my area and so just poured tiny amounts. I relabeled colorful sports drink bottles as, "Fire potion", "Electric potion" and so on. They first filled out a worksheet then came up to me to get their "potion."

Here a student enjoyed the "animal cubes" project we did earlier in the semester:

Another one for the weight unit, here I had students construct a "gallon man" craft, which a lot of them liked.

Another one that enjoyed the measuring unit. She is depicting a scenario that actually happened. I made a large inch ruler by laminating an example. Then I walked around and measured the student's heads as they guessed the size. Yep, that was a big hit too!

I'm quite impressed with this kids memory of sorting black and white baduk beads to represent area. Something learned back in the Spring semester. It's also a really accurate rendition of the activity.

This last one hear I like because it's basically a drawing of this kids desk when they are in my class. Open book, eraser, pencil and pencil case all shown in good detail.

When I looked through this homework assignment I was filled with a sense of accomplishment. I couldn't help but think that I did get through to these kids and left them with happy memories.

I did receive a present from one of the homeroom teachers that she gave to me privately. I could really tell she acknowledged the hard work I put in and was sad to see me go. I reassured her I enjoyed teaching at the school and will miss it very much.

So this was my last day of work here in Korea. Just about a week left and I'll be off on my new adventure. Thank you kids!

When a student leaves

It came without notice today, one of our students is leaving the school. What makes this more special than other times is that this students was let's say a star. But not in a great and brilliant shining way, more like he was the constant trouble maker. Indeed, last year he would use his physical self to hurt other students without much regret. This year he used words and threats more, which I guess was an improvement. But despite him being a bully, rude and just hard to manage I actually became fond of this kid. I think what happened was finding a way to manage him in class and also be his friend at the same time. Also when he was behaving well and giving constructive output in the class I enjoyed his participation.

So I was a bit sad getting the news today, which was delivered in a kind of awkward way. His father entered my room and asked me where were his books and told me about it. He thanked me for teaching him too. When he left I stood in my classroom a bit flustered knowing that the boy would be leaving and I didn't get to say goodbye. So I went and found him in his after-school class. I asked him, "I heard you are leaving our school?" He said yes and it's because his father is changing jobs and moving. I don't know what the truth is but I gave him a hug and said I will miss him, and goodbye. He seemed a little confused but he's just a boy anyways. He's the kind of student that needs a mentor in his life or adult figure who understands him and at the same time councils him on making right decisions.

It all makes me realize what can happen to you when you teach young students for an extended period of time. A part of your heart opens up to them and at some point they move on. I guess that's that.

**He just came in here to say goodbye. He looked a bit sad too. Oh man...the tears are behind my eyes. Well I tried my best for the boy.

Sun Shines in on Tom

The sun has been hiding behind a haze of clouds these past few days and I believe it was starting to affect me. Perhaps even Tom was starting to get a little sad missing his friend Sunshine. But on this Saturday morning, as I was preparing to do some work at home, the sun rays came in.

Tom immediately planted himself in their direction and took to playing with a small piece of paper. Or rolling around and getting all his fury bits warmed up.

I'm not a fan of winter and seeing the trees turn bare and the temperature drop has made me blue lately. But the sun coming out today perked up my spirits. I hope I figure out some activities to make sure that I'm not cooped up in my house this whole winter. For now I'll enjoy seeing Tom a happy cat.

Sung Si Kyung - Even Now

I'm not much into Kpop anymore, but while flipping through the old Korean TV I stumbled upon this video.

I have to say it accurately portrays how I have been feeling lately and in the past. Besides it is a sweet song.

Artist: 성시경

Heart to Heart

I would like to start this post with a quote from the recent New Yorker about a column regarding the Chilean miners that were recently rescued. It was written by Adam Gopnik. As we all know the miners spent a long time down there and their story could have been grim. The article speaks to how their story is one of the more "warmer" ones out there. After coming home and thinking about what happened today this article sprang to mind. Here is the part I feel most connected with:

The men can say now "At least I'm not trapped down at the bottom of a mine." Certainly, veterans of war suffer, but many also shine with the quiet feeling that, from now on, life can never get quiet enough. People are trapped by circumstances; other people help them. There is a way out. Since this is the fable that every life hopes to trace, maybe the madness isn't so mad at all.

For the past 2.5 years here in Korea I have felt trapped by my circumstances. What am I speaking about? Finding myself having a difficult time working with Korean people. Ever since I got to Korea and had a hard time at the hagwon, it felt like I had been fighting an endless fight. I know that my actions at the hagwon led to my coworkers reacting the way they did. I left there never making amends. The problems I developed there carried with me to the next school and the next. My casual and cold attitude is not palatable to Korean tastes.

For the longest time I always felt it was a battle I needed to win. That I needed to somehow change them and by my indifferent ways that could be achieved. But we all know that didn't work and indeed got me into a lot of trouble. At some point I either needed to realize that I was wrong and should learn things or pack up and return home. However, I did learn and have realized many important things.

Let's zoom into what happened today. I have been asking my coteacher (Mr. J) for a reference letter. I got one from my last school when I left and so figured it wouldn't be a problem here. I even showed him the one I have from last year. This was about a month ago and so recently I reminded him about it.

This morning I got a text message on my computer from him stating he was sorry but the Principal made the decision not to give it to me. I became alarmed and worried. But not because I couldn't get this document mostly because the Principal was refusing to do it. I inquired and pushed for an explanation. This was before classes started and we couldn't talk much about it.

Then came the after lunch time. I inquired about it again with the youngest coteacher (Miss. K or as I have called her in the past the "princess"). What started as a civil conversation ended up into one about the past. She was being polite and things weren't getting harsh. But I was trying to defend my situation, that no one gave me the chance to listen to my perspective when things were bad. Then Mrs. W (the middle coteacher, older) came in.

She basically vented everything she ever wanted to say to me since the beginning. I realized through it that I had to just let her talk, which she did. Again I tried to point out to her that I was never really given a chance to explain myself. That I would have liked to talk to them but I realized it was hopeless and gave up.

But time was running out and I had to go teach my afterschool class. As I left the office I was in mild tears. I told Mrs. W (now Mr. J and Miss. K were out of the office) that I was deeply sorry for the burden I had caused her. That I always wanted to talk about it and meet eye to eye, but that I was scared and realized it was too late. I went to class.

At that point I felt inside the usual feeling that I get when I am in this situation. That feeling of being trapped and wanting to run away from it all. To run out of the school crying and head home. Of course I didn't do this and actually suppressed it. But there I was trapped in my own cave that I had created seeing the darkness close in around me. (Okay maybe too dramatic)

Did I think I would be able to come out of it in peace? No. 

After class I came back to the office and my face showed I was distraught. Mr. J saw this and said "Let's go for a walk." We found a bench near the school that was off the path. He told me that he needed to know that I knew that everywhere in Korea is the same. I told him I knew this and understood. I confided in him about what happened with Mrs. K and that is why I had given up any hope of relationship building. He didn't say much but I warmed things up by saying thank you and that I didn't mind about not getting the letter. We agreed that a school certificate will work just fine.

Then we were back at the office. I sent Miss. K an endearing text-letter apologizing and giving praise to her help in the office. She liked it and I sent her hope that we can move past this.

Sometime after that Mrs.W asked to talk with me. We did so in the office and over a cup of tea. It turned out to be a real heart to heart talk. She expressed to me the things she understood and were sorry for as did I. Our talk was significant because it got me out of my cave. It helped me see the light, sort of speak, and understand in a true way her side of the story. In the end, I feel closer to her and that our bad past has been amended.

For the longest time I have felt that I had to always defend the "foreigner" fort and stand up for what I thought was right treatment. Sure there are some cases of actual mistreatment, but I think I let it go to my head.

"There is a way out." It begins with opening up and and letting go. I have found my way out of the cave I built around myself and it feels good. I can't guarantee that at my next job things will go peachy but I know now really where to start and what to do.

For those not in Korea yet and are considering coming over bear this in mind. Not everyone has this experience like I had. You will find yourself facing cultural and personal differences when working with Korean people but what happens next depends on your personality.

Also bear in mind that we would like to think that the technical aspects of the job matter most. I am talking about how we teach class, the materials we make and lesson planning. Sure you can do a great job at this but if you suck in the interpersonal department then you will end up with nothing to lean on. All I am saying is that to be considered as a "good" teacher here in Korea you have to put more emphasis on positive relationships than you do on the actual teaching part of the job. I am only speaking to public schools and likely private schools. As for University teaching I think they lean more towards your teaching capabilities.

But let me tell you it will benefit your life and your time here in Korea if you heed my message. Having a good relationship with your coteacher(s) means that they will help you and be almost like family. Even though I haven't exactly established this with any of my coteachers I can see it in other people and definitely can feel it. That is why, although I initially thought this was invasive, I see it now as an asset of Korean culture.

This was a long post and whoever read the whole thing, thank you! For those who read enough to get the point.... thank you! If anything in here was of actual help to anyone else...well...good luck! If my grammar sucked again...sorry!

The madness is over.

Mom's Tacos

My last day in Florida was met with some shopping and a good meal at my Mom's house. Shopping in America, especially at a grocery store or large-box store kind of gets me down. Mostly because I wish I could just take the whole thing back with me to Korea. To be honest, Korea has a lot of what America has so it's not like I am out in the middle of nowhere.

I met up with my mom at her apartment for her special Taco dinner. This is one of those nostalgic family meals that you grew up eating. My mom makes the taco filling from homemade refried pinto beans. Accompanying the tacos are usually a fresh mix of toppings, such as diced tomatoes, chopped lettuce and peppers and freshly grated cheese. Although we didn't have it this time usually we had the tacos with pita bread instead of tortillas.

I showed up early and as we waited for my sister and her family to arrive we walked around the apartment grounds walking her dog.

Gotta love that Florida lawn.

One thing folks in Florida have always feared are the alligators. I recall seeing them in the canal behind my house. 

We went back to the apartment and shortly my sister and her family arrived. The following is a picture of a rocking chair (I believe my father or Grandfather built) for me. It has my name on it. I enjoyed seeing my nephew fit into it.

Here is a picture of the beans...

 

The spread~

That is the last photo from my Florida trip. I enjoyed the meal with my mom and family. After my sister and her family left I took in a solitude moment with my mom. I said my final goodbye and it was truly difficult. It had been such a long time since we last saw each other and this visit went by fast. Yet I will try to get back out there the next chance I get. As I drove back to my sister's house there was a bold lighting storm in the distance, which felt proper for the occasion. 

Although my Florida visit was short and fast I made many memorable moments to keep myself afloat out here in Korea.  Indeed, the warmth and good feelings passed to me by my family makes me feel less bitter towards Korea. I suppose you could kind of say it was a little bit of like a healing experience, but I don't want to get all new-agey on you guys. haha

Well look for my next posts where I will highlight the good times I had in the foothills of California.

Post Air Travel Rambles

The past 24 hours have proven to be both tiring and inspiring. First off my flight to SFO was delayed due to waiting for other people from other flights to connect to mine. Then while in the air we were delayed landing because SFO was having a traffic jam. When I looked at the mini-map on the screen in front of me I saw a loop-de-loop shape over Oregon.

The flight itself was pretty good, which was Asiana Airlines by the way. I think, however, that because I have regularly flown Korean Air that I have been spoiled. Let me just say that Korean Air has their butt together, and the food tastes better.

Yet once the lights turned off I put in my ear plugs and put on my eye mask and made myself a comfy little corner near the window and tried to get some sleep. I kept on waking up to adjust myself and  move my neck around.

Before they turned off the lights I think they tried to entertain us to compensate for leaving an hour and half late from Korea. They did this by parading around the plane in traditional Korean clothes, like it were a show at a folk festival.

The rest of the flight was pretty smooth. Then came landing and I made my way through the immigration maze.

Yes it was great to see English all around me and hear it being spoken too, but this was still the International side of the airport. It felt as if I was at the delta of a huge melting pot river ready to burst out.

As I waited outside for my hotel shuttle I had a view of the mountains, houses and freeway.

It doesn't look like much but concrete and blue sky, however to my eyes it was like seeing something for the first time again.

First off if you have never been to San Francisco and the Bay Area then you might not know what I mean by all this. The air smelled fantastic! It had the distinct sea smell mixed with eucalyptus. It was home in every sense of the word from scent to sight.

I nearly cried as I looked out over this imagery. Sure I had been in America last year on my summer vacation but this time around something struck a nerve in me.

I checked in to my hotel, called family and took a long hot bath. It had been since last November when I took bath, which was in Osaka at the hotel during my visa run.

Then I watched a little TV to chill out, which was interesting as I had somehow forgotten that American TV has a lot of commercials.  My hotel room...

After vegging out I decided to go look around the neighborhood.

This is the suburbs of San Francisco, which is up in the more Northern parts on the peninsula. It is suburbia, quiet and quaint. Soon many things felt like a novelty, like having to push the button to cross the street.

Yet as I walked through the neighborhood my emotions ran high. This was just a typical street on any here in Northern California, but to me it became so special.

It brought back memories of when I lived around Northern California in various places. The quietude and sharp contrast to a Korean neighborhood started to get to me.

Seeing the American flag people had put out to decorate their lawns or houses felt so symbolic.

Of course, it was recently July 4th.

I have been trying really hard in my tired and fatigued head to talk about this experience without painting Korea as this god-awful place and America as the ultimate utopia vision.

What I realized was that it wasn't really about that Koreans live in tall apartment complexes while Americans (in most areas) live in houses. No, this was personal and was touching on the emotional roller coaster I have been riding since I have been working at my current school.

I can't tell how many times I have cried, crumpled my forehead in anger and lost all hope over what are probably trivial occurrences at work. Last February when I was having the worst of it I felt so desperate that I wanted to just pack up and go home.

Seeing these houses with their comfortable curtains and green lawns made me become aware of what I value so much in life. That is comfort, both in work and home. A sense of peace and comradeship at the workplace.

It feels like every since I went to Korea all I wanted to do was get it right. To do the right things and not disrupt their culture. To learn and accept the differences and be a perfect little diplomat. Yet ever since things messed up at the hagwon my faith in myself to accomplish this has always been shaken.

For some reason coming back to America and seeing the suburban houses I felt a sense of relief that it is all still there and solid. But, most importantly, everything here revolves around a different society, one which is familiar and like a soft pillow.

Before getting on the plane, yesterday, I ran into these two very crucial aspects about Korean culture, that of Kibun and nunchi.

Kibun – The word kibun has no literal translation in English, however, as a concept that permeates every facet of Korean life, it can be described in terms of pride, face, mood, or state of mind. In order to maintain a Korean’s sense of Kibun, particularly in a business context, one must show the proper respect and avoid causing loss of face. In a culture where social harmony is essential, the ability to identify another’s state of mind, often referred to as nunchi, is crucial to successful business ventures. For this reason, you must be aware of subtleties in communication, observing non-verbal and indirect cues that often suggest the true sense of what is being communicated. 

After reading up on this a lot of the broken pieces started make sense and would fit into a focused puzzle.  One example from my experience is asking my coteachers in a direct manner about matters at work.

The point I am trying to make is that Korea has this kibun and nunchi society, whereas America mostly and practically doesn't have it. Sure Americans are perceptive to each others moods, but our values are elsewhere.

Seeing these houses reminded me of how hard Korean life has been and how much I strive to understand yet seem to always come out even more confounded.

To move on with my return-to-America story I then went on to find a Walgreens (Pharmacy) and went inside to see what they had. Then I moved on back towards the hotel to have a bite to eat.

While I did so I saw a Korean tofu house restaurant.

Tomorrow I will get back on another plane and fly out to Florida to visit family. I know my initial reaction to coming back to America was emotional. Inside I don't feel it is really negative, but something that will allow me to asses better the past 2 years in Korea and see more clearly into my future. 

If anything what I really know is that my biggest battle with living in Korea isn't with accepting the different scenery, rather is the experiences I have with my Korean work-relationships. So, if I desire to make a life in Korea then that is one area I truly must grow in.

Cheonan Memorial

Today is the memorial for the 46 sailors who lost their lives when their ship sank due to an explosion. They are still determining why but of course it is speculated that it was North Korea.

At work today around 10am the school played the live broadcast of the memorial when they were doing the moment-of-silence part. I was in my 4th grade class and they properly stood up and bowed their heads. Although a few snickered and made remarks when the Korean President came on screen. Altogether they were well behaved and seem to recognize what was going on.

Tomorrow is our open class, again, this time with the parents as spectators. Since Monday I have been coughing and last night it kept me up now and then. Today my chest felt heavy and I was still coughing. My face showed this when I came in to work and I was promptly asked about my health. I politely said I didn't feel good. Then a few moments later requested to see a doctor after my classes. They understood and asked if I could teach my classes, and I said that is no problem. I coughed around the office and showed my pale face, which was convincing enough to get a half-sick day. I told them that I didn't want to be coughing in front of the parents so really want to get better.

I finished classes and went to the doctor. I came home and put in some laundry then settled down in front of the TV.

As it turns out the memorial was still going on and nearly every channel is broadcasting it. They really don't spare anything. They laid out pictures of the dead sailors and the families came up and gave their respects. You can see close ups of their mourning. Later on they carried the urns to a mass grave area and the families came up and with their hands put in the dirt.

It is really sad and tragic and also hits home on how much Korea has suffered and continue to do so.

My condolences to the families affected by this tragedy. Your pain and loss is mine too as I share this country with you.

*For an interesting analysis on this situation check out BBC's article.

Warm Outside Cold Inside

If it is one thing I don't want to do it is to constantly talk about my work life. There are so many other aspects of life here in Korea. But really I can't help but pass along these experiences since I know it will be helpful to other expats.

In the springtime at school it is usually warmer outside than it is inside. The school seems to act like a refrigerator. These days they have turned off the heater to the entire school. I don't really mind since they were blasting the heater anyways and it was making the air way too dry.

This week, it seems, was full of ups and downs. On Monday I had succeeded with my open class and felt really positive. But then I came in Tuesday in a moody way. I had PMS symptoms, which made me look moody (seriously if you are a woman and know what I am talking about...). As the others sat around mingling over coffee I barged my way around asking where the dice were. It didn't look good of course. Later before lunch my coteacher Mrs. K asked why I was so wrong to do that. I said sorry of course. Then apologized at lunch time to everyone. Mrs. K then reminded me, "This is your second time, Joy."

I know the mistake I made of bringing my mood onto others and bringing everyone down. But inside I just get a bit tired that they don't get past that and accept I am human. Yet, I am in Korea and being moody in front of others is a taboo. So making sure I don't upset others with moodiness is something I am going to be mindful of.

Then Wednesday came and some little change occurred. Mrs. K told me she will give the 6th graders a listening test outside the classroom, which meant that I will be teaching alone. I wasn't too shocked by the news since giving tests in this manner was familiar to me. However it was going to be my first time at this school teaching by myself and so I knew things needed to be shifted around in my mind.

What ended up happening was a mistake that I didn't recognize would be so grave. It was second period and the class was being very rowdy and unfocused. Also I had the period mixed up with the next one so I accidentally finished 10 minutes early. As soon as I said, "It's time to say goodbye." The students closed their books, got up and started playing their small games. I lost control of the class and didn't get it back. I just resigned myself to play some English videos. I treated the situation in a casual manner and even considered the incident not that big of a deal. I apologized to my coteacher when she came back in the room to make sure she knew it wasn't the students fault.

Yesterday I went to work thinking all is fit as a fiddle. I worked with my other coteacher Mrs. W and we enjoyed our time in the classroom. Then a few hours after lunch Mrs. K came up to me and told me to come with her to have a talk. I figured she just wanted to talk about our coteaching.

We left the teacher's room and went into the Audio / Visual room. At a desk she sat in front of me. We sat down and she asked me, "Do you know why you are here?" I was honest and said, "Not really." ...."To talk about coteaching?" (With a big grinning smile.)

She shook her head and gave a heavy sigh, and then went into yesterday's events. Apparently it greatly upset and disappointed her. Immediately I explained the mix up with the time and that the students were already not focused. But she grilled me harder about it. She used this event to come to the conclusion that I am not a good teacher. That I am a "cold person" who does not have a warm heart. She told me about how she doesn't like my teaching style at all.

Her complaints were that I am not using a loud voice (truth is my voice is not naturally loud), I am not moving my arms, I am not touching or hugging the students (with 6th graders I draw the line), I am not being active enough, I am not in control of the class (when we are coteaching the class is usual under control and I use a point system and other techniques...just don't yell at them), I use too many powerpoints (maybe 1 or 2 a lesson...so just 2 times a week), I don't keep track of time (not entirely true...just end things quickly), I don't give a review with the class....and so on.

In other cases I have cried and become very emotional when an older Korean woman rips me to shreds. I know a supervisor's role is to check their employee's job but when an older Korean woman does it she hits you over the head so hard with her message that you are left feeling tiny and insignificant. Anyways, this time I didn't cry or have a tantrum. I let her talk and I explained where I was coming from.

Some explanations I gave were that although I have taught at public school before, the teaching situation was a lot different. At Hwasan Elementary we taught basically 50 / 50 and made things up as we went along. Last semester, at my current school with the previous coteachers, I taught probably only 30% while they did most of the work. (It wasn't my choice...they made it that way). So I explained to her that this is my first time given 80 - 90 % of the class. Really it is the first time they have told me, "This is your class you can do what you want." I tried to relay the point that I am new to this concept and working it out. Another explanation I gave her in regards to my class management style is that I like not to be aggressive like the Korean way. I told her that I like to use certain methods and techniques besides the familiar Korean ones of yelling and scaring a child into learning. Her response: You are in Korea and you have to teach the Korean way.

This is where I realized that it probably didn't matter what I said in defense of myself. She had already chosen an image of me and all I could do now was tell her that I would consider everything and make a change.

Throughout this were some pretty oddball things. For example, at first she made me write down "in detail" explaining the event that took place Wednesday. Then she made me write down what I would do next time to make it better. Both pieces, when she read them, she gave another heavy sigh and said that I didn't write what she was looking for. I just wrote things very factual and added stuff like discipline methods and a promise to not make the mistake again. In addition, she had a written letter from a student from that class explaining what happened (it was in Korean...but I put two and two together).

We talked in that room for, I believe, two hours. There were a few times when she tried to finish up the conversation but I kept on talking and trying, in a polite and calm way, defend my position and explain myself.

At one point, towards the end, she mentioned how she will take what I said and share it with the other coteachers and have a discussion and then give me my "result." I asked her what kind of "result" this was and she just said it was a "result." Of course in mind it made me think they were going to fire my ass. That is probably why I kept on talking to her...to give her all the info I could. I also told her that I felt defenseless. I even mentioned how I felt like she is forgetting the cultural differences. But she said that I have to be like a Korean here since I am in Korea. I wanted to argue with her that I agree I should follow the Korean way but it is not something I can't do 100% of the time or expect to get it right. But I knew it was useless and also just generally disappointed she couldn't realize this herself.

We finished and it was already nearly 15 minutes to leaving time. So the day ended on that note. Needless to say last night was spent a crying mess.

On the way home I walked with my coworker (the other foreigner) and burst out in tears about the situation. I told her that I was sorry for any problems I have caused her. She listened to me about the meeting and told me how shocked she was to hear that Mrs. K did that. Her impression is that she is really going after me and not being fair. Not considering the cultural differences.

What was funny was that in the meeting Mrs. K mentioned my coworker. Saying, "P is younger than you...you know?" "You need to look after her because you are her older sister." I nearly burst out laughing at hearing that. Yea my coworker is younger than me but we both consider each other on that same playing field that Westerners do. I told my foreign coworker this and she was a bit surprised.

Well my coworker told me to not let it get to me, but that is what I did last night. I know I screwed up Wednesday but really I am trying my darnedest to get every aspect of this job right. From keeping things happy and charming in the teacher's room and around school, to teaching the kids in a wholesome and fun manner. Yet, it feels that no matter how hard I try and suffer that in the end if someone doesn't like you because of X, Y & Z than you are in the shitter no matter what. Yes I disappointed her with that incident but does she have to go to such extremes with dealing with it? At the meeting she literally crushed my teaching spirit. This morning on the way to work I couldn't see how exactly I was suppose to teach.

Yet as I got closer and closer to the school I told myself, "It's Friday" and I imagined one of my 4th grader's smile. (He has the cutest and funniest smile.) This pepped me up enough to get through the day.

Oh yea, I also brought with me one of those spongecakes from Paris Baguette to grease the wheel with everyone today.

Of course, at work, Mrs. K showed no signs of disgust towards me during the day. And I never got that "result"....not that I was expecting to. We went to our classes and she sat in the back giving the listening test.

But I did my darndest to rock up the class and talk with excitement, move my arms and laugh...whatever it took to show I gave a shit. I don't want to amp up my classes to please her but do it for the kids. Of course I agree with her teaching philosophy but you know you can't insult someone thoroughly and then tell them to go teach classes with a positive chipper attitude. Yet that is what I did today. Playing the insane fool was kind of fun.

I know Mrs. K is freaking out and taking things too far. I also know that I will never really be able to please her. But I am going to keep on teaching until they fire me or my contract ends, and then we will see what comes next. By the way, Mrs. K is only at my school for one semester and then the Teacher dude comes back.

One last thing... I also feel somewhat shocked by all this. For a while there I was really getting along with Mrs. K, talking to her, laughing, sharing about my boyfriend and American life. One afternoon I knew JH was coming to my house so I invited her to swing by and meet him. I honestly thought all was well on this front. I guess she just snapped when I made the mistake on Wednesday. I want her to forgive me but I want her to know that she needs to be forgiven as well.

Well there you have it another post about the casualties of teaching life here in Korea. Last night I seriously thought to myself maybe it is time to pack up and leave. Go back to my poor life in San Francisco, maybe go back to school and get a Masters in something. Shop at thrift stores and only spend my money on groceries. Oh the good old days.

Of course I talk about these troubles with JH, even cry deeply over it with him on the phone. He is comforting but there is a cultural line that he struggles to cross. Yet as long as he is willing to understand and help lift my spirits I will take that.

To anyone else struggling with these issues here in Korea or ever experience your supervisor telling you that you are not a good teacher. Just take it in one ear and don't let it go up to your brain.  The point I am trying to make is that do what you can, and don't give up.

I'm Sorry

Acorn in the Dog's Food seems highly concerned and upset by my blogging. He writes:

If you want to devote your blog to pretty pictures and whatnot that's fine -- there are plenty of Korea-related photo blogs out there. However, don't go around saying "us foreigners are pretty dumb, we really need to change that" and then sit in complacency. This doesn't mean you have to turn your blog into a mini-history channel, but you would do well to take a closer look at what you write here. Either step up the quality of your writing or stop being an ass toward those of us who are making an effort.

You complain about foreigners not knowing about Korean culture but then ask to meet your boyfriend's family. You complain about your school not having you there to "explain yourself" during your annual evaluation but didn't think to work out any issues before then? You complain about Koreans not having yards after four months of living in Seoul but ignore the fact that downtown Paris, London, and Tokyo are not exactly filled with them, either. You're trying to have your cake and eat it, too.

So I am going to do what I probably shouldn't do. I am going to apologize.

Dear Readers,

 If you feel the same sentiments as the reader above then I apologize. Throughout my blogging career I have never intended to paint other expats in this picture. There are many expat bloggers who write eloquently and intelligently about Korea and it's people. And of course there are some who do the opposite. It has always been my desire to be the kind of expat blogger on the better side of the blogosphere. It is my hope that his sentiments are not the same as all my readers. Finally, I would like to add that I generally wished for my blog to be helpful to future expats and to show my life in Korea the way I experienced it day-to-day.

Sincerely,

Joy

Haunting Bus Ride

If you don't like to hear sad or gruesome stories then quickly go to this site and feel safe.

I went to Jeongja today for a bite to eat at a nice cafe. On my way home I thought I took the right bus but ended up in Gwangju. It was cold and freezing out so I had a hard time wanting to get off the bus and figure out how to get home.  I finally got off and crossed the street and took a bus back to my neighborhood.

The bus ride was already 50 minutes out from where I live. As I was getting cozy on the new bus heading back towards home I looked out the window and admired the snowy scene.

Then something caught my eye. A blue small van was nose deep in a ditch on the side of the road. It was a moment that seemed to have slowed down. As we passed I first looked at a few people standing nearby looking at the car stuck in the ditch. (It was a big ditch by the way).

But then my eyes caught site of the driver, who had his head on the stearing wheel and wasn't moving. The window shield was cracked. The car door was open and it was easy to see it all. A man standing nearby the driver's seat was on a cell phone. No one was touching the driver. One last glance at the driver and I knew he was dead. It was a strange cold feeling inside me that let me know. I gasped and covered my mouth.

As we drove off I couldn't help but realize that was the first real dead person I ever saw. I also got a little upset that no one seemed to be really checking him, for perhaps he was just unconscious and needed CPR. But I don't know how long it had been since he crashed and someone came to him.

I just know that because I took the wrong bus and sat on it for so long that I ran into this tragedy. After seeing this I forgot all about my petty problem of getting home later than I wanted. I thanked whatever power there is out there that has kept me alive and prayed to be taken home safely.


Bus #60, I'm sorry but I don't know when I will be ready to ride you again. As for everyone else please be extra cautious out there. The roads are slippery...even if you are just a pedestrian.

Really What Do I Do?

I had another argumentative talk with my coteacher today. I tried to tell her that the kids tell me they are bored in class (which is true) and that they want to learn from games and fun things. Not to listen and repeat and memorize something.

But she just went on and on about how she perceives English should be taught. She says she loves the children. I asked "Do you think I don't love them?"

Things got cut off without a resolution. The only conclusion I made was to give up and stop fighting it. Stop trying to defend the "foreigner" teacher diposition. Do what she says...

I don't know if she will be the same teacher next semester. I want to quit having these arguments so I guess I should try to understand her and the Korean way of doing and thinking harder.

It makes me want to give up teaching English. All I really want is for my point of view to be heard, and comprehended. Not shut down and then lectured on the "right" way. I get it...the kids levels are low so we need to make the materials for that. But what about my experience and the different teaching methods I saw at my old school? (We went around to other schools and had lesson demos). I took the TEFL course and understand the lessons should be planned according to their level and cultural make up. But that they also should include diverse materials to break up things.

All in all, we just end up arguing with each other because I refuse to agree with her. I refuse to follow her like a robot and instead try to explain to her my ideas and reasons behind the materials I planned out. But no... it's useless.

I feel so dumb. :(

Rice Crispy Chicken and Restrictions

You are looking at my dinner tonight. On the right we have some Rice Crispy Chicken with a salad on the left. And some baked beans up top. All made with ingredients found here in Korea at my local stores such as Lotte Mart and Homeplus.

What you do is slice some chicken breasts so that they are more thin. Then you stir up an egg in one bowl, and in the other make a flour mixture. This consists of flour, crushed up rice crispies and seasonings (salt, basil, Italian season mix and pepper).  You drench the chicken in the egg bowl then coat it in the flour mix bowl. Add it to a frying pan with oil warmed up in it and cook on both sides for about 30 minutes. Or until it is not pink inside.

 

Make sure to place the cooked peices on some paper towels to let the oil soak up.

Work has been busy, mostly because of planning and new job stuff. I went yesterday with my coteacher to the immigration office to apply for my new alien card. It took a long time because she got lost on the way, but the actual time spent at the office was very short. Then today we attended an English Festival at a school nearby that was huge and basically every floor had an English themed room, it was mind blowing.

Some issues I have been facing lately is the government restrictions that the school's server has. For example many frequented websites I use are blocked. I asked about unblocking it but they gave me the "There is nothing we can do" speech. This makes me a bit sad because I really wanted to be able to blog from work, but their server blocks blogger's maintenance page.

I worry that if I don't blog enough you guys will go away. :( But at the same time I know quality is better than quantity. Sigh~

I am trying to figure out how to get a VPN to work on my computer at work to get around this.

I hope to get back into the swing of things and show and tell more of my life here. But if I don't blog as much as before is that okay with you guys??

It's interesting, the blogger community that is, for it seems some really try to update regularly and make themselves become popular. I don't mind becoming popular or well known in the process but it isn't a goal of mine. I would rather have a strong audience of 50 a day than try to maximize traffic to up to 2,000 visits a day. Anyways, this stuff makes my head spin.

As you can see I had a good dinner and now feel full and satisfied. The weather is bitterly cold these days as Christmas approaches. JH and I have the same vacation so we are going to spend it seeing some sights in Korea. I hope it won't be too cold during that time and that we end up having an unpleasant experience. But to be able to rest and be with JH will be very welcomed. All right let me know what you guys think about that blogging stuff...thanks.