Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Write

Today is Wednesday and I have no work till Monday. It seems, however, I can't keep my mind off of work. When we go back it will be announced who will be our coteachers and what our schedule will be.

I am so nervous.

Yesterday's story:
I went to Hongdae to get art supplies, which meant a bus and subway ride. The funny thing was that while I was in Seoul JH ended up in my neighborhood. So I finished my shopping and quickly tried to get home to meet him. I took the subway to Gangnam where I would transfer to a bus. There I looked for the right bus stop to go home. I knew I was in the right place but the signs on the bus stop didn't have my bus number. I panicked and left the bus stop walking up the street to see if any of the following bus stops had my number. None of them had it. I instantly became infuriated, which was quite silly of me. I think if I wasn't in a hurry to get back home then I would have just waited it out at the beginning. I called JH and told him I was lost. By then I was already walking well past Gangnam station.

In that moment I couldn't help but feel exhausted and angry about everything lately. All the crap I was dealing with at work and the screw ups I had created recently, combined with being lost in Gangnam made my mind go nuts.

Combine this with not knowing what is going to happen Monday. There I was walking up Gangnam towards Yangjae station (a long walk) with all these thoughts on my mind.

I got to Yangjae station and JH told me to meet him a few stops down, where he picked me up. I am so lucky to have someone who is patient and understanding.

Today I awoke from bad dreams and my body aching from all the walking and stressing out yesterday.

I'm still nervous about Monday. I keep trying to tell myself to not care so much. Then I think what will I do if we have the same coteacher (the one who I don't get along with). I tell myself I will have to be careful and considerate of her. There seems to be so much to think about. We will also be getting an additional teacher, since the 3rd and 4th graders are going to start learning English twice a week. I am not worried about this person since it will be a Gyopo and as my coteacher says "Someone like you".

Really I just feel frustrated with myself. Why do I fight back so much? Why do I argue? Why can't I just go along with things and care about something else? When will I achieve that level of nonchalance? I worry this means I will never fit in here in Korea and that all this time has been a waste. I am down on myself and want to feel optimistic.

The real picture is that this job is a blessing and I should just let all the stuff I feel I have to fight for go.

All I end up telling myself is that, "It can only get better." And I hope it does!

2 comments:

  1. "The real picture is that this job is a blessing and I should just let all the stuff I feel I have to fight for go."

    That is your solution right there, but it won't work unless you implement it. I can understand a bit how you must feel, but you have to accept that somethings are just out of your control, and will be done if a different way than you might like. You have to choose your battles/wars wisely and not try and win ever small one.

    You have a few days off, don't waste them worrying about things that will not change no matter how much you spend wondering and thinking about it. Enjoy these few days off, relax, spend time with people who make you laugh and happy, and most of all replenish your strength and energy to prepare for whatever comes.

    I'm sorry you had a bad day, but you just need to choose to believe that you will have more good days than bad days, and that no matter what the co-teacher/schedule situation turns out to be, you can and will handle it with grace and professionalism.

    It all comes down to control, and learning to accept that sometimes you won't have the power to change things to your liking. Sometimes you just have to make the best of the situation.

    Feel better Joy, and remember to make the most of your time off, and not waste it on a merry-go-round ride of worries and stress.

    Breathe. Relax. Enjoy your time off, and deal with everything else when the times comes.

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  2. Thanks Lola O! Boy I can't wait till you are out here. With the attitude you express I know you might just be stronger than me. Anyways thanks for the good words. I am feeling better tonight after doing some painting and talking to family.

    :)

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