Friday, June 13, 2008

In Sickness and in Health

Today was a rotten day. It started with a sore throat and achy body and ended with tears. I didn't know if calling in sick works out here and found out that it doesn't. So my emotions ran high and a few words were exchanged like "I am weak when I sick..." and thus a meeting was held with my supervisor.


It was the usual meeting where your boss overlooks all the good things you have done and focusing solely on the bad: complaining you have to work while sick, not talking enough with coworkers and my health. (They don't know I have Crohn's).

So after a full day of teaching, feeling more sick off the drugs they gave me and coming out of it I came home and cried my eyes out. Yes I am mentioning it to all of you out there..including you ... Mom.

Within the history of my life change has always been difficult. My parent's got divorced, at 15 yrs old I moved to California to live with my Dad, at 25 yrs old I became sick with Crohn's disease or colitis....whichever way you slide and now I am living in a whole other country.

Yet this last change is a change I chose based upon direct forces in my life. So after sobbing for several hours, only eating sliced peaches for dinner and going to bed I came to the realization that hey...this isn't entirely my fault!

For one, they overlooked all the hard work I have been doing. Two it is only my 2nd week of teaching of for Christ's sake (sorry) I am not going to get all perfect. Three I know myself!!!!!

By now in my life I know that I give people the cold shoulder before making a perfect relationship with them because I am a cautious person. I know by now that I focus on organization and planning before I do relationships with other people. And two my body isn't all that strong.

So with these thoughts I now have ammunitation to defend myself instead of becoming insecure and feeling like the world is going to end. I can answer questions about my behaviour that my boss raises with confidence. I can also offer to them that I am good worker and can survive the job, yet would like their support in doing so.

I do not blame what happened today on it being a 'Korean' thing of the bosses being too harsh and cruel. I blame myself. I knew this crap was going to happen yet naively hoped it wouldn't. So I look at the mirror wipe away my tears and shape my fear into something formidable.

HA!

4 comments:

  1. BIG HUG!
    I LOVE YOU......see hotmail email response....
    M.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Big hugs over here as well. I have no idea what it is like to have Crohn's but I do know what it is like to react differently to life changes; divorce, moving, etc. I sometimes have such horrible anxiety problems and panic attacks. But relaxing and dusting myself off gets me back on my feet.

    Week 2 you aren't perfect but you try which is a lot more than others do. Brush your shoulders off and such, you got it. Good luck with the boss=^^=

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks!!! again..

    I hope I didn't make it sound scary over here. I am feeling better today and also still feel confident about living here.

    ;)

    ReplyDelete

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