Today was a rotten day. It started with a sore throat and achy body and ended with tears. I didn't know if calling in sick works out here and found out that it doesn't. So my emotions ran high and a few words were exchanged like "I am weak when I sick..." and thus a meeting was held with my supervisor.
It was the usual meeting where your boss overlooks all the good things you have done and focusing solely on the bad: complaining you have to work while sick, not talking enough with coworkers and my health. (They don't know I have Crohn's).
So after a full day of teaching, feeling more sick off the drugs they gave me and coming out of it I came home and cried my eyes out. Yes I am mentioning it to all of you out there..including you ... Mom.
Within the history of my life change has always been difficult. My parent's got divorced, at 15 yrs old I moved to California to live with my Dad, at 25 yrs old I became sick with Crohn's disease or colitis....whichever way you slide and now I am living in a whole other country.
Yet this last change is a change I chose based upon direct forces in my life. So after sobbing for several hours, only eating sliced peaches for dinner and going to bed I came to the realization that hey...this isn't entirely my fault!
For one, they overlooked all the hard work I have been doing. Two it is only my 2nd week of teaching of for Christ's sake (sorry) I am not going to get all perfect. Three I know myself!!!!!
By now in my life I know that I give people the cold shoulder before making a perfect relationship with them because I am a cautious person. I know by now that I focus on organization and planning before I do relationships with other people. And two my body isn't all that strong.
So with these thoughts I now have ammunitation to defend myself instead of becoming insecure and feeling like the world is going to end. I can answer questions about my behaviour that my boss raises with confidence. I can also offer to them that I am good worker and can survive the job, yet would like their support in doing so.
I do not blame what happened today on it being a 'Korean' thing of the bosses being too harsh and cruel. I blame myself. I knew this crap was going to happen yet naively hoped it wouldn't. So I look at the mirror wipe away my tears and shape my fear into something formidable.